New Zealand Local Weather Forum
General Category => Members Lounge => Members Stories => Topic started by: gabba on October 30, 2013, 09:35:59 PM
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"Did you know that clouds are made of cotton wool and icing sugar" claimed Jake. He'd just finished a number of rum and cokes, and there were some odd things starting to come out of his mouth.
"Really" said Jackie " and what do you suppose rain is made from" she asked.
"Rain! Well that is made of........
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"...made of water, I reckon."
Jake burped and grabbed more potato chips.
His companions stared at him, somewhat credulously.
"Are you sure of that?" said Jackie.
"Yeh," added Alan."Whereabouts does the Sun rise?"
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Jake pondered over his reply. He hadn't been up before the sun rose, in about 30 years, so he wasn't that sure himself, if things had changed in the preceeding time.
"Ah, a trick question" he suddenly realised. "If I'm standing one way it rises behind me. If I stand the other way it rises in front of me. Therefore one can only conclude there are two suns, and depending on how they feel at the time will rise from one direction or the other."
This explanation seemed to fit quite well into Jakes world at the moment since there did seem to be alot of 'double' things that he could see currently.
"Jake, why do you get into a state like this so regularly", asked Jackie. " I mean it's not that I mind you having a drink or two, as well as a couple of chips, but over the years this regular indulgence has resulted in a transformation. Jake, you know the neighbours have complained about your habit of naked sunbathing beside the pool, but I'd suggest that naked sunbathing beside THEIR pool may be going a little too far. When the neighbours see you they will...."
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... "have a fit. I don't think whale watching is high on their wishlist at the moment and though we are on good terms with them, there are limits to their tolerance".
"Oh Jackie" sighed Jake. "You and your sister are always nagging me. Dressing the same, talking in unison. Anyone would think you were the same person".
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‘No worries Jake’, said Alan, ‘You are man enough for both of them’. ‘I am sure if Devan Lung can cope with his concubines, you can’.
‘You did not answer my question Jake. I get steam rises from boiling water. I get smoke rises from a fire. But what does the two suns rise from’?.
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"It rises from the horizon- anyone can see that- even you," said Jake, quite satisfied with his extempore explanation.
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I think I should visit this horizon and see for myself thinks Alan, so he picks up his back pack and heads down to the travel agency.
The doors open automatically as he approaches and he ventures in searching for signs to direct him to the correct counter. There was posters all around displaying cheap airfares to here there and everywhere but he could not find one stating how much it would be to fly to the Horizon.
He approaches one of the counters where a very attractive travel agent smiles and asks if she could help him.
'Yes you can' said Alan, 'Can you please tell me...............'
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"Can you please tell me how I can get to the Horizon, please?"
"Do you mean Horizon Airlines," replied the ever so attractive travel agent. "They have a special, this week only."
"Well," mumbled Alan, trying to look only at her face, "as long as they can get me there."
The agent smiled sweetly at him. "I think I can get you there," she said.
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... " just as long as you tell me where exactly it is where want to be" she continued in her sweet breathless voice. "Horizon Airlines will transport you to your hearts desire".
"I want to be where the twin suns rise out of the sea" says Alan.
"There are many twin sons in mytholgoy Alan" says the sweet travel agent. Heracles and Iphilcles for example. Perhaps you'd like to got to Athens?".............
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"Athens would be fine.I will see this horizon, won't I?"
"For sure. You will love it.$2699 is our special price- for you only."
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"Oh, $2699.00, as much as that." say Alan. "I guess I'll have to consult my financial manager. Paula Bennett is her name. She gives me funds for my scientific research into celestial matters".
"You'll have to be quick" says the sweet travel agent. "This offer is only valid for one day"....
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Alan decided to think about his pending trip to look over the edge of the horizon to see if the twin suns were indeed rising from there.
Alan paid the $2999.00 for his seat on Horizon Airlines for the following day, (remember the $2699 was only a one day offer last week) and heads home to pack his bag. He rings Babs and asks if she would mow his lawns as she did when he holidayed in Italy. She agreed but would email him a list of things she wanted bought back.
Alan goes to bed that night full of excitement for tomorrow he would be heading for the horizon………
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The alarm woke him at 3am and within an hour he was standing in a queue with three hundred other blurry eyed cattle class citizens.
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finally after half an hour of shuffling towards the front desk, he stood in front of a dapper blonde fellow in a smart uniform wearing earrings which consisted of a circular ring suspended from gold chain. They didn't quite reach his shoulders.
"Ah! Mr Smith. Welcome to Horizon airlines. I noticed you further down the queue waiting patiently and I've decided to upgrade you to Business class. I'm the purser for that class so we might be seeing a bit more of each other on the trip. I trust you packed your own bag? No pocket knives or other hazardous items? Good. Is there anyone accompanying you to Athens?"
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"Well no," said Alan."I am pretty new to traveling."
"Oh well," simpered the man with golden earrings."I can help you- I accompanied someone to the end of the rainbow, just last week!"
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Alan liked his earrings, a bit more elegant than the studs he normally wore. He adds to his shopping list, Buy some dangling earrings.
“What was at the end of the rainbow”, asks Alan. “Was there a pot of gold as they say there is”?
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"Funny you should ask that. I wasn't sure if it was the little LSD tab we'd shared, but there appeared to be two orbs just where the rainbow met the horizon. Perhaps it was just a Wizard of Oz moment. By the way my name is Julian" said the earring wearing man. "Here's a pass into the VIP lounge where you can wait until the flight is announced. See you later".
Alan wended his way to the VIP lounge, poured himself a stiff whiskey and sat down in one of the big padded armchairs....
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Where he began to fall asleep, before being shaken awake.
"Mr Alan Jones?"
"Yes," he mumbled, trying to focus his eyes at a woman in a white uniform.
"The doctor will see you now, sir."
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Alan walked through the door and stopped abruptly. The doctor was all white, white clothes, white hair, white skin, gleaming white teeth and white eyes.
Alan felt himself just to make sure he was alive and not on a distant planet.
' Hmmmmm' he said to himself, ' all bits and pieces in the right places' .
He walked forward and sat on the chair the strange doctor had pointed at.
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"Welcome, Alan," said the gleaming white doctor." You don't mind if I call you that, do you- we try to be friendly and informal here. I'm Jeffery Smith."
"What am I doing here? " asked Alan, feeling most uneasy.
"Just a little memory problem, nothing to worry about about. It won't ever bother you again after the operation, that's for sure."
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‘What operation, what memory loss’, asks Alan.
“I only came in for the required jabs to allow me to enter Athens”, states Alan. “Hepatitis A & B plus Rabies. I think you have me mixed up with another patient. Please just give me my shots and I will be on my way. I have a plane to catch”. Said Alan getting somewhat irritated.
The Doctor looks at Alan and ……………
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Started to sing.
Alan had never heard such a terrible voice but strangely started to feel better. This was far better than any large and painful injections.
The doctor continued to caterwaul, as that was all you could call the singing and Alan sidled towards the door.
Quick as a flash he ran past the nurse, down the stairs and out into the street where he flagged down a taxi.
' Quick' he said to the taxi driver, ' take me to.........
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"...the airport."
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"Pageing Mr Alan Jones. This is your final boarding call for Horizon Airlines flight 007 to Athens. Please go immediately to gate 27" chimed the speaker on the wall. Alan awoke with a start. "Golly, must have dozed off, these padded leather chairs are a bit of a trap" he thought to himself. Grabbing his bag he sprinted off to gate 27....
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Only to find there was no gate 27, gate 26 and gate 28, but gate 27 didn't exist.
Alan sat down on his bags and put his head in his hands. This trip was getting worse nothing was going right.
He felt something soft and silky rub against his arm. Looking up he encountered the stocking clad legs of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
In a husky voice she asked ' are you Mr Alan Jones?'
Alan could only nod.
'Come with me', she said and took him down a long passageway that opened out into..........
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.. ..a huge hanger.
”Sorry Mr Jones”’ she said in her husky voice, “Your flight has already left, but we have found a pilot who will fly you across the Tasman Sea to meet up with it in Sydney where it has a 2 hour layover”.
(http://wairoaweather.net/weathernz/reports/captain_toko.jpg)
Alan looked at the very very small aeroplane. He looked even harder at what was supposedly a pilot!!!!!
“Mr Jones meet Captain Gray”, said the lady with the husky voice. Captain Gray is learning to fly and has had 1 lesson. This will be very good practise for him”.
She hands Alan a manual and pushes him towards Captain Gray.
“Climb aboard Mr Jones, if Captain Gray becomes confused just consult that flying manual I have given you”.
Alan approaches the plane. He begins to sweat and shake. He looks at Captain Gray and asks…..
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' do you know where Sydney is?'
Captain Grey said ' matey I knows where everything is. Just you get in, strap the parachute to your chest, put this small container of avgas between your thighs and hold my coffee cup and we will be off like Goff as me old mother us to say!'
Alan fainted. Yep there and then for the first time in his life with out any help from any kind of alcohol he passed out. He came to with a warm hand stroking his forehead and a husky voice asking him if he was alright.
Struggling to sit in an upright position he was horrified to find himself staring right down the........
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...... top of two ears that had dangly earings hanging from them that looked somewhat familiar......
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Below them was a very deep cleavage belonging to the husky voice, that had Alan longing to rest his head on and sleep till all this madness had gone away. But being the staunch kiwi man that he was, he gently pushed the earring bearing body away, stood up and made his way to the very, very small plane.
The husky voice called after him suggesting that he wear a sleeping mask if he was worried about flying with Captain Gray, that way he couldn't see where he was going until they landed in Sydney.
Alan thought that was a good idea and proceeded to cram his tall figure into the passenger seat, he then realised he had no blindfold or sleeping mask and called out to the beautiful husky voiced woman his problem, and do you know what she did next......
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...she took off her wig to reveal that she was indeed Julian the male flight attendant.
"What are you doing here Julian?" said Alan. "You should be on the Horizon 007 flight tending to the Business class passengers".
"Yes... well..." muttered Julian. "it's like this.. the reason is.."
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… Captain Gray gave me $100 to find him some company as he is not allowed to fly solo as yet. I thought My Jones would be ideal.
He removed his scarf and tied it around Alan's eyes. "There you go", he said. "Enjoy your flight".
Captain Gray leaned over and shut Alan's door. He started up the plane and released the brake and the very small plane began to taxi out to the run way.
(http://wairoaweather.net/weathernz/reports/captain_gray2.jpg)
Captain Gray turned the plane around and pulled the brake lever back on. He turned to Alan and said "Ok Mr Jones, this is where you can help me. This is as much as I can remember from my first lesson. Could you have a look in the manual and see what I am suppose to do next to get us up in the air".
Mr Jones.....
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"OK" Alan sighed. "You get on the radio and get clearance from the tower to take off. Luckily for you, I've spent many an hour flying one of these Cessnas on Microsoft Flight Simulator. I'll fly the plane from the right hand seat". Basically it's just a matter of lining her up on the runway, pushing the throttle forward to full and at 120kmh pulling back on the stick gently. You call out the speed as we go. Once we get some height it's a matter of heading west and setting the GPS for Sydney"
" DNT, Cleared for takeoff" came the calm voice of the controller through the headphones.
The plane rolled down the runway.... "30.. 50...70...90" droned Captain Gray
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When suddenly Alan had a thought.
This is only a small plane, I will not have enough fuel to reach Sydney.
"100, 110" said Capt Gray as the plane became light on the wheels & started to leave the ground.
Alan quickly looked around the airfield & spotted a larger plane being made ready for departure.
Hmmm thought Alan, I have flown that type on MS Flight Sim also, so he turned to Capt Gray and said...
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' toodle- pip', undid his safety belt, took off his headphones, opened the door and jumped out.
Being a somewhat fit sort of guy Alan was able to do a forward roll and then land on his feet.
He stood and watched Captain Gray head into the wild blue yonder going god knows where, Alan hoped he got safely to where ever he landed.
Sirens started blaring in the background and Alan became aware that he was standing on the runway of a busy airport and was likely to get arrested.
' Hey Alan' a voice called out to him, and there was Jake hanging half out of an airport fire truck. 'Climb in here mate, and we will get you somewhere safe'.
Jake told him he had been watching the drama unfold on the runway from the airport control tower and thought the only thing he could do was help an old mate out of trouble.
Thankfully Alan climbed into the fire truck as Jake barrelled it towards the exit.
' Ummmm you do work here don't you Jake', Alan asked nervously as the fire truck picked up even more speed.
Jake turned to Alan, laughed and said.....
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..."well, in a family sort of way. Jackie is the fireman or fire crew member to be precise. When she's off duty and sleeping I sometimes borrow her gear and access card and have a bit of a burn up around the airport. I just tell the control tower it's an exercise and they seem to swallow it. The regular crew are so busy playing cards and sly grogging in the back room, they have never tumbled to my little games. Where do you want to go to mate?"
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"I have a seat on a flight to Athens as I am going to the edge of the horizon to see the twin suns rise", said Alan. "Thats my flight over there, could you please take me across to catch it".
"No problem" says Jake, "Hold on to your horses".
Jake turned the fire truck around and sped across the tarmac to Alan's flight.
They just made it in time and Alan clammered up the airstair and into the plane.
He found his seat B13 and sat down tightening his belt across his lap.
At last thought Alan, I am on my way to the horizon, now where are the air hostess's I need a ......
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"Hello ducky! You look as if you need a drink. How about I get you one of the opposition airline's award winning wines to settle your nerves."
The dangly earings were a dead giveaway as to who the voice belonged to.
"Hello Julian" said Alan. "That sounds a great idea. I'll have a sleeping mask and once I nod off make sure I'm not disturbed until morning. It is a direct flight isn't it?"
"Sure is Al my dear. One half bottle of chardonnay coming up. I know Athens very well and if you'll let me I can show you the sights once we get there"
Fourteen hours later, the plane was on the descent glide path to Athens airport.
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Alan grabbed his bag and headed out of the airport.
"Please take me to the Horizon Hotel", he said to the Taxis Driver.
On arrival Alan.......
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Went up to the desk to check in.
Someone tapped him on the shoulder and there was Babs.
' I thought you were back in NZ mowing my lawns' said Alan.
' oh I was' said Babs ' but that got a bit boring so I rotary hoed up the lawns and dynamited the trees up, kaboom all gone'
Alan was dumbfounded. He had left a magnificent garden full of beautiful tall trees and now they were all gone.
' anyway I am out of here I am meeting Jenny and Suezy at the Horizon Chocolate Shop, Tom kindly left his credit card lying around so we though we would have a spend up. Oh and by the way it was a joke about the dynamite I used Roundup instead!' said Babs.
She staggered off singing to herself and giving a little hop every now and then.
Alan just stood there ' Ahem' said the desk clerk 'did you want your keys or not?'
Alan took his keys and walked slowly towards the elevator. What had ever possessed him to come on this trip, spend all that money and leave a nutcase like Babs in charge of his gardens.
' oh well' he thought ' no use crying for what was now done'
He was just getting in the elevator when a voice called out 'Alan'
Turning around who should be standing there but..........
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Jake and Jackie and Julian, Captain Gray and even Babs. They were holding up a big sign that said ' IS ANYONE EVER GOING TO FINISH THIS STORY?'
So dear and gentle readers it is now in your hands to decide whether or not Alan goes upstairs in the elevator to find what he has been looking for or instead he goes home with the gang!
All up to you now
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(I would like to know how all these people ended up in the same hotel …lol )
“Come on Alan”, yells Bab, “We need to head out to the horizon now if you want to see the twin suns rise”.
Everyone clambers into the Mitsy SUV and off they go.
They drive all night until they reach the horizon. They sit and wait for dawn.
Dawn finally lightens the sky and low and behold there they were but not as Alan expected as he peered over the horizon..........
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'Oh' said Jackie blushing, 'I thought someone wrote that Alan had peed over the horizon'.
' look' squealed Babs like an excited pig, ' I can see the twin orbs of..........